ST. LOUIS — An hour into "F9: The Fast Saga," I got up to get something to eat. I came back with a giant pretzel the size of Vin Diesel's ego and a large Root Beer to drown my sorrows. The movie I was watching-the tenth official entry in the "Fast and Furious" universe-was an abysmal rendition of a once-very-fun movie franchise.
Imagine picking up a great piece of steak and draining all the savory juices from it? That's like taking away the versatile charisma of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Jason Statham, while missing the soulful grace provided by the late Paul Walker's most cherished role. All of "F9" feels forced. Whether it's messing with the timeline again to revive a franchise favorite or producing outlandish (even by F&F standards) action scenes, this overlong (two hours and 25 minutes!) sequel goes for broke--and not in a good way. Death-defying stunts have always been the bread and butter of these films, but this latest flick goes into hyper-drive every other scene.
What started off so fresh and exciting two decades ago with Rod Cohen and a couple no-name leads has become dull, boring, and entirely useless. You can't name one thing about this latest entry-directed by the usually-reliable Justin Lin-that completely stuck its landing. The jokes between Chris "Ludacris" Bridges and Tyrese Gibson are recycled, and Nathalie Emmanuel just looks lost throughout the entire film. John Cena is listed as the heel in this operation-the long-lost brother that Diesel's Dom disowned-but the wrestler-turned-actor doesn't do anything with the role except act way too serious. Cena doesn't just fight Diesel here; the two climb over each other's stoically-tiring brood stares.
What could have saved this one--even just a little bit? HUMOR. Something. Take a crack at your image. Take more cracks. Go 100% Conan O'Brien on yourselves. Self-deprecation goes a long way in the underworld of pointless sequels. By taking away all the charm that even the problematic "The Fate of The Furious" had to offer, shoving a tortured brother showdown down our throats in its place, the whole "Fast" series started to look very slow.
Diesel can't escape blame. What he offered the once-unpredictable and magnetic Dominic Toretto is gone. All I see is an actor spinning the same record on a broken player. Someone who rested his cap on two horses ("Pitch Black" film series being the other), riding the second one into the ground like someone who doesn't know how to properly drive a muscle car.
Using the slang of this cultural phenomenon (and one that is still profitable, judging by this one's early overseas grosses), "F9" endlessly shifts its gears from one hollow plot point to a cameo to another useless story rest stop; it's an overcooked affair even by the time Charlize Theron-dressed like a Bond girl who entered the wrong set-shows back up as the unkillable (and sleepy-talking) Cipher. She sounds more like a dissatisfied Starbucks customer than someone attempting world domination.
This is Diesel's baby, one that he helped rescue and build into a box office powerhouse. He brought The Rock and Statham onboard, watching them flourish in usual throwaway roles--but instead of embracing that newfound appeal, he pushed it away and made everything awkward--and about him. I mean awkward like all the forced melodrama that this new film tries to offer.
Late in the film, Diesel looks more like a man stricken from his espresso machine and red bull than a man out for justice. He looks as tired as the franchise. A set of films that will seemingly have no end, especially with the little (it's something) flashback juice that talented young actors like Finn Cole and Vinnie Bennett give "F9."
Here's how I see it. "Furious 7" was a great spot to end the series. The unfortunate death of Walker spurned an out-of-nowhere yet successful Hail Mary toss, one that was undone by the fraying intrigue shown in "Fate." But the eighth film gave the world the glorious unofficial "Tango and Cash" remake we know as "Hobbs and Shaw"-so that gave it a reason to exist. "F9: The Fast Saga" has no reason to be here, and it's painfully obvious less than 30 minutes in.
I laughed more unintentionally here than I have at any film I had even modest interest in seeing. I applaud Universal for not giving Diesel the money to de-age himself. I applaud the tiny, sporadic surprises this film offers. I applaud that I never have to watch it again.
I'm sorry, "Fast" fans: "F9" is awful. At least the pretzel was good.
