ST. LOUIS — No fans are as sunny as St. Louis Cardinals fans, a horde of optimists who see every half-glass as overflowing. I grew up on the northern West Coast amid grouchy Giants and A’s followers and had never witnessed starry-eyed ball club devotion until I attended a few Busch Stadium games and talked to lifelong Redbird fans.
Most of the people I met were so politely passionate about their Cardinals. When a player struck out or booted a grounder, they didn’t shout, “You stink!” or, “Go back to the minors you worthless piece of pine tar!” They forgave gaffes and cheered anything they could, including slick plays by the opposition.
At first it felt eerie watching games with folks who never stopped smiling. Then I got used to it. Then I liked it.
I also liked how many Redbirds fans, even the young ones, have a sense of history. Bob Gibson, Ozzie Smith and the blown Don Denkinger call from the '85 World Series may predate them, but they know about those players, that series, and a whole lot more.
Having followed the Cardinals closely for 25 years, I have reached a few conclusions about what the quintessential Redbirds fan looks, sounds and thinks like. If most of these statements ring true for you, you’re a tried-and-true Cardinals fanatic.
- You have or had a pet named Gibby, Simba, Ozzie, Whitey, Albert, Waino, Yadi or Gomber
- You love the Carpenters, meaning Chris and Matt, not Karen and Richard
- You agree with Homer Simpson’s assertion that Game 6 of the 2011 World Series has eclipsed the passion play as “the greatest story ever told”
- At random and often inappropriate times, you mimic the late Jack Buck and declare, “That’s a winner!”
- When anyone says anything negative about Molina, you respond, “Ah, Yadier mind!”
- You’re convinced that every big-name free agent would eagerly sign with the Cardinals if the front office would just pony up the money
- The harshest insult in your vocabulary is, “Oh, you Denkinger!”
- At least one of your secret passwords contains the words “rally” and “squirrel”
- You’re convinced that Matt Carpenter, Miles Mikolas and Allen Craig — wherever he might be — are due for bounce-back seasons
- You appreciate what Tony La Russa accomplished but would take Whitey Herzog any day
- When you say “this one goes to 11,” you’re referencing the Cardinals' 11 World Series championships, not the 'Spinal Tap' line
- You were bummed to learn that the College of Cardinals is an ecclesiastical body and not a school you or your children could attend
- You’d give your left pinky toe to see vintage Bob Gibson throw up and in to some of today’s cockier, plate-hugging sluggers
- When it comes to team executives, you think Mo is meh but Bing was devine
- Grass is great but you miss seeing fleet players fly around the bases and the outfield during the fake-turf Whiteyball years (1981-1990)
- You have a bumper sticker that reads, “My other car is a Clydesdale.” If not, you want one
- It burns your biscuits that the Cardinals failed to sign St. Louis native Max Scherzer after drafting him in the 43rd round out of high school in 2003 and failed to sign him as a free agent in the 2014-15 offseason
- You believe the “Birds on the Bat” logo is a better work of art than Picasso’s Guernica
- You think Adam Wainwright’s plunging curveball is as lovely (and parabolic) as the Gateway Arch
- You love October due to the milder temperatures, the crisp autumn leaves and the Cardinals in the playoffs
- While they played for multiple teams, Joe Torre, Darrell Porter, Jim Edmonds and David Freese (especially Freese) will always be Cardinals to you
- You believe it’s literally true that “when you say Budweiser, you’ve said it all”
- You contend that Joaquin Andujar was “just a little high-spirited”
- You actually like the “Victory Blue” uniforms
- The 1985 horror story that chills you still: 'The Tarp that Ate Vince Coleman'
- You contend that “boring” baseball played by no-frills professionals like Willie McGee, Scott Rolen and Paul Goldschmidt is only dull to those with dull minds
- You own at least one of these Cardinals merchandise items: a shot glass, coffee mug, key ring, quilt blanket, pillow case or pajamas
- Steroids, schmeroids — you’re still grateful for Mark McGwire in '98
- Your favorite Hogwarts house is Hufflepuff, occupied by “members that are patient, fair, hard-working and sometimes blandly nice” (dictionary.com)
- You think Mike Matheny is a nice guy but can’t believe the Royals hired him
- You’re convinced that all national baseball broadcasters have East Coast or L.A. biases and want the Cardinals to lose
- You kinda like Fredbird
- You shed tears when Albert Pujols signed with the Angels
- When someone calls you a Pollyanna, you say, “Thank you, I appreciate that”
- You know some of the lyrics to the rally song, 'Here Comes the King,' i.e., “Here comes the king, here comes the big number one...”
- You’re still steamed at Kris Bryant for saying that St. Louis is a "boring” city
- The older you get, the better Gibson, Ozzie, Edmonds and STL Pujols used to be
- You give minute-long standing ovations to former Redbird scrubs who moved on to other teams
- You’d roll out the welcome mat for another Matt as good as Holliday, Carpenter or Morris
- You would never boo a Cardinal who is trying his best
- Your favorite holiday musical: 'Meet Me in St. Louis'
- You want to see Willie McGee’s No. 51 retired
- You take Ozzie’s side on the Smith-La Russa feud but wish those two would work it out
- You contend that if you’re paying a player $18.5 million a year, you gotta play him, even if he stinks
- You never referred to Jaime (pronounced HI-may) Garcia as “Jamie” (JAY-me). Well, almost never
- You used to watch 'The Tudors' and root for Cardinal Wolsey because — duh! — he was a cardinal
- When you talk of Jordan Hicks of the Cardinals, you mean the recovering reliever with the 100-mph sinker, not the same-named linebacker on the Arizona Cardinals
- You don’t remember Fernando Tatis as the dad of Padres super-prospect Fernando Tatis Jr. You remember him as the dude who hit two grand slams in one inning against the Dodgers in 1999
- You want to travel to Memphis to see the AAA Redbirds first, and Graceland second
- You hate to brag but, yeah, you (and the millions like you) really are the best sports fans in the world
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